So Jordan is on vacation for two whole weeks…
However, for the past couple of days we always fall back on a similar topic: feelings. The fact that we don’t want to share them but need to.
Talking about my feelings with another person felt good at the time being, however, I felt a little too vulnerable. As if at any moment, they can use that against me, even when I’m not feeling that way anymore. I felt as if nobody really cares what your problem is, they just need something to talk about until something juicier comes along. And I don’t want to burden someone with these feelings, especially if it’s something I have been crooning over for weeks and sometimes even months.
Who do I even speak to?
You have your friends. Then you have your best friend. Your boy/girlfriend. Your close cousin that’s like your sister. And everybody compartmentalizes their life so much. They tell certain info to certain people so that other certain people don’t know. That’s a hassle. An anomaly even. I personally try to make the best or a joke out of everything, and when something really hurts, I disappear. I don’t hesitate to keep myself away because I don’t want anyone to see the cracks in my demeanor.
What do I even say?
Nothing makes sense in my head when I’m upset and makes even less sense when I try to talk about it. Fragments of the past tend to come up with me dealing with the present and then the listener becomes confused. And you’re right, feelings are not supposed to be clear cut and wrapped in a pretty bow but how is someone supposed to help if they can barely understand you. It makes me feel inadequate when I can’t quite put my finger on something.
“You have to have someone you can speak to. Not speaking to anyone isn’t healthy.”
I know that and I have people I can speak to, I just don’t want to.
To simplify is this: It’s good to talk. If it’s a therapist, a friend, a stranger, to God or even to yourself in your own room. The thing is, it’s your choice at your own pace on your own time. You can say as little and as much as you want and you can give yourself as much time in between as you want. If you feel like your burdening someone, it’s okay to talk about that with them too.
I’m still learning.